Q&A: What is adversity?

Every month, I publish an answer to a reader’s question. Here’s a transcript of my answer to the reader question about my relationship with adversity:

Hey Lisanne, what is adversity? What have you learned about it over the years?

I’m very well aware that adversity is something we all encounter sooner or later. Living a frictionless existence is pretty much a fairytale as nobody’s life is entirely free from challenges, and I’ve seen enough obstacles to know that neither is mine.

So along the way I’ve figured that setbacks are an inevitable part of life, and that the majority of stress comes from wanting the current situation to be different. When we don’t want to feel the discomfort, we try to avoid what’s happening. In the moment, these challenges can feel like insurmountable obstacles, but resistance rarely changes anything. Wanting a different outcome only creates more tension inside us, because it keeps us hooked and focused on what we can’t control.

I think handling adversity well has a lot to do with coming to terms with the situation as it is. It has more to do with how well you can allow the feeling of overwhelm and are able to accept the challenges that enter your life, than it does with avoiding or minimizing setbacks.

Acceptance, however, reduces this tension and is a very different way of going on with the flow of life. In Eckhart Tolle’s essential teachings, he explains how the world is not here to make us happy as it does not have the power to, but it’s there to make us conscious instead. He teaches that by accepting challenges, and letting go of attachment to outcomes, we can find a deeper sense of peace and fulfillment.

Although acceptance is much easier said than done, especially when big unbearable tragedies hit us, it enables us to adapt, overcome, and ultimately find peace in the process. When we accept adversities as they come, we tend to work with the situation more calmly and effectively. Acceptance offers a different way of moving through life—believing that when challenges come our way, we can always ask ourselves: what is this here to teach me?

From this deeper place of peace, we can then start to understand the adversities that come our way and figure out how to respond to them properly — in the words of Alan Watts, a renowned philosopher and writer, “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

In 2018 I read a wonderful book called Man’s Search for Meaning, written by psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl. Partly due to his job and expertise, and likely also because of his personal interest, he shares how he observed his fellow mates in the concentration camps and how they coped.

One of the profound observations he made about human behavior and resilience during this time was the importance of meaning. He observed that those who had a reason to live found ways to survive. Those who had babies at home, or even the possibility they were still alive, helped them bear almost any horrific circumstances.

He stated that everything can be taken from a man, except for the last of human freedoms, which is to choose its own attitude and response to any given set of circumstances and find meaning to the suffering.

I believe the only thing we can be certain of is the present moment, so preparing ourselves for adversity to come isn’t a great way as it shifts your focus from the present to potential future problems that may or may not arise. More often than not the adversities that enter our lives are new to us. The challenges present themselves to us, but we haven’t encountered them before. A close friend of mine recently lost her brother, and I’ve seen how challenging it can be to navigate grief when you haven’t experienced it before or don’t know how to cope.

However, I do believe we can better equip ourselves against setbacks by taking good care of our bodies and minds. Also, science shows that healing from tragic moments happens through relationships, fulfilling interactions, and through community. In other words, in times of trouble, you’ll have something to fall back on.

So every now and then I make it a point to take a break from my screen, and focus on what really matters–whether by spending time with my loved ones, taking care of myself, or diving into work that brings me joy. It’s during these moments that I see how I’m able to handle challenges better.

What is adversity to you? And how do you deal with it when it presents itself? I’m looking forward to your comment.

• • •

Thank you for reading. This reader’s question is part of the Ask Me Anything series. I´d love to answer more of your interesting questions and get a sense of your interests. If you have questions to extend this Ask Me Anything section, please let me know. I like to hear from you. Send me your question via team@lisanneswart.com

Here is a list of the last 3 readers’ questions I’ve answered:

• How much of one’s success do I attribute to luck versus hard work?
• Is there a motto or principle I live by?
• What, in my view, is the power of storytelling?
  

» Explore more answers to thought-provoking questions